Who doesn’t want to fall in love? It’s an almost universal desire, as common as a hashtag on a Kardashian tweet. If you are interested in a girl and desperately want her to love you back, there are some ways to inspire her interest. Most importantly, be yourself and respect her for who she is.
Steps
Understanding Attraction
- Learn how physical attraction works. Attraction is based in brain chemistry. A group of neurotransmitters called monoamines (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin) creates the feeling we experience as attraction.[1]
- Dopamine is one of your brain’s “feel-good” chemicals (it’s where the term “dope” comes from). It’s also involved in your brain’s motivation and reward systems. When you meet someone you’re attracted to, dopamine starts sending feel-good chemical “rewards” to your system.[2]
- Norepinephrine, sometimes known as noradrenaline (but not the same thing as adrenalin), delivers messages to your central nervous system.[3] Norepinephrine is responsible for your ability to “block out” information that isn’t as interesting as the smart partner in front of you.
- Serotonin regulates a lot of functions in your body, including sexual behavior and body temperature. When you’re very attracted to someone, serotonin decreases your body temperature, which makes your skin slightly more able to conduct electricity. This is the reason that love can literally make your skin tingle.[4]
- In fact, experts say that attraction stimulates the same chemicals in the brain that addiction does, such as dopamine and oxytocin.[5] If a girl isn’t attracted to you, it’s nothing to do with you: it’s all down to the chemicals in each person’s brain.
- A researcher at Rutgers University suggests that it takes less than one second for the brain to decide whether it considers someone to be attractive or not.[6] You may be able to overcome or cope with this split-second first impression, or you may not. If not, don’t take it personally: people are not able to manage spontaneous impulses.
- Take care of your health. If you want a girl to fall in love with you, you need to show her that you’re capable of loving yourself first. What counts as “attractive” is highly subjective and each person will have different tastes. However, things like good grooming, exercise, and a healthy diet keep your body feeling and looking strong and healthy, which is a big evolutionary sign of your “reproductive fitness” -- basically, a sign that your genes are strong and healthy too.[7]
- Keeping yourself well-groomed and health also suggests self-confidence and a healthy respect for yourself, which most people are likely to find attractive.
- This doesn’t mean you have to go overboard and “peacock” with your clothes or become a bodybuilder. Just try to be the best version of yourself.
- Learn some messages behind body language. Body language can be either conscious (like winking at someone) or subconscious (like your lips reddening or trembling). People convey a variety of messages through body language, including the language of attraction. Most body language signs relevant to physical attraction communicate a few basic messages:[8][9]
- I’m available
- I’m interested
- I’m harmless
- I’m fertile
- I’m approachable
- Look for open body language. Body language cues that say “I’m available” and “I’m approachable” suggest that the other person is not against getting acquainted to you. Look for things such as:[10][11]
- Smiling
- Making eye contact with you
- Looking up (instead of staying absorbed with a phone, etc.)
- Standing or sitting with the arms and legs relaxed and uncrossed
- Keeping her feet pointed toward you if you’re having a conversation
- Look for signs of attraction. Some body language is unconscious and happens when we’re attracted to someone. Others are more conscious behaviors. Looking for these cues can help you figure out if your tender feeling for the girl is reciprocal.[12]
- Pay attention to the way she is smiling. A genuine smile from a woman may be a signal that she wants to make herself more attractive to you.[15] (It may also just be a sign that she’s friendly, so make sure to check out her other body language cues as well.) Watch to see what facial muscles she uses when she smiles to get a sense of whether it’s real or not.
- Genuine smiles, also called duchenne smiles, use the muscles around the eyes as well as the mouth. Fake smiles usually only move the muscles around the mouth, and these smiles may look tight or empty. There’s a reason Tyra Banks is always telling models to “smile with your eyes.”[16]
- Signal your own attraction. Once you’ve determined whether you have a shot or not, you can do a few things with your own body language to tell the girl you’re interested in her.
- Make eye contact with her and smile.
- Get a little closer to her. Maybe move to a closer table in the coffee shop, or go grab a napkin while she’s at the condiment station. This can help her pick up on your pheromones, which help signal attraction.[17]
- Tilt your head if you’re talking to her or looking at her. Head-tilting is a sign of interest.
- Try an opening gambit. Also known as a “pickup line,” an opening gambit is how you initiate a conversation. Despite the general creepiness of the pickup artist community, you don’t have to be a 'creepster' to use an opening gambit. Studies suggest that there are three types:[18]
- The direct opener. These are honest and get straight to the point, like “I think you’re really cute” or “I’m kind of shy, but I’d love to chat with you.” In general, men tend to prefer to receive these openers when others initiate conversations with them.
- The innocuous opener. These get a conversation going but don’t go straight for target, like “What do you think of this place?” or “Do you come here often?” In general, women tend to prefer these openers when others initiate conversations with them.
- The cute/flippant opener. These involve humor, but are often cheesy or even nasty, such as “Do you like your eggs scrambled or fertilized?” Both men and women in general rank these as the least attractive option.
- If you’re a heterosexual guy looking to strike up a conversation with a girl, your best bet is to use an innocuous opener.
- Studies have also shown that honest and supportive gambits more often result in long-term relationships, whereas strategies that use manipulation or dishonesty (like the cute/flippant gambit) result in short-term relationships.[19]
- Try a gentle touch if you sense that she’s inviting you. Touching is a great way to signal physical attraction. Don’t be a creeper, but if you’ve been talking for awhile and the girl seems interested in you, you can try a light brush of her arm or touch her hand.[20]
- Do not touch a girl unless she’s giving you strong signals that she is into you. It’s usually a good idea to wait until she has initiated some type of touch.
- If the girl responds negatively to your touch, don’t try it again.
Being Amazing
- Live your life. Who wants to get into a serious relationship with someone who just sits around all day? If you want her to fall in love with you, get out there and show her that you live a great life. Go out and do the things that make you happy, fill your life with learning and exploration, and pursue your dreams. People often are more interested in others who appear to live full, happy lives on their own.[21]
- Have you always wanted to make your own video game? It is possible to do that! Write a book? Go get em, tiger! Become a master spelunker? You can do it! Follow your dreams and you'll find that girls are attracted to your passion and determination.
- Maintaining your own interests after getting into a relationship will also help keep you from becoming “codependent.” Codependent relationships happen when one or both partners feel like they can’t be complete or happy without the other person. They’re unhealthy, and you can avoid this model by staying true to yourself. This will attract people who are true to themselves, too.
- Show her your lovable qualities. People don't just decide with whom they want to fall in love. Love happens because the people involved have lovable qualities. Love often develops over time, so your job is to show the girl that you're worth being around. Let your personality shine through, and give her the chance to see who you really are and what you have to offer. It turns out that people often find traits such as humor, kindness, and honesty make you more physically attractive![22][23]
- Be funny. Get a sense of humor. It's no secret that girls love guys who can crack a joke or be funny -- in fact, it’s science![26] Practice jokes on your friends every so often, and learn the jokes that work and the ones that don't work. When you're alone with a girl, telling a joke can be a great way to break the tension.
- Remember: if you're not good at jokes, you can still have a good sense of humor––you just have to love laughing and being around people who are funny.
- Bitter or sarcastic humor isn’t a great idea. Try positive, even slightly self-deprecating humor.[27]
- For example, if you’re at a coffee shop together, you might say something like “I hear there are two types of people: coffee people and sad people. What do you think?”
- Be playful. One of the most important things both girls and guys look for in a partner is playfulness.[28] So you want to be playful because she probably thinks that playfulness is attractive. How can you be playful? Make a boring routine, like studying, interesting and funny by turning your math problem into a song, for example. Don't take things too seriously. And most importantly, be able to laugh at yourself.
- Being able to love fun, hang loose, and even poke fun at yourself suggests to girls that you aren’t uptight or aggressive. It also puts everyone around you at ease, making it more pleasant to hang out with you.
- Have confidence. To be genuinely lovable, you have to believe that you are worth being around. Most girls aren't attracted to people who are constantly putting themselves down. So be confident, but not cocky.[29] Know what you are good at. Don't brag about it or show off, but put these things into your routine and don't be afraid to let them shine every once in a while.
- The difference between real confidence and cockiness is in how you think about yourself. True self-confidence means you know who you are, and you’re comfortable and happy with that. Cockiness often stems from a need to compete with or put down others to make yourself feel confident. Truly confident guys don’t need to belittle anyone or be a jerk to show that they know they’re cool.[30]
- If you do feel the need to take a jab at yourself, make sure you present it as a joke. Laugh at the mistakes you make and the stupid things you do, as well as the things you don't like about yourself. "Seriously, you DO NOT want me to ask you to dance. I'm a terrible dancer. Danger to myself and others. It's best for everyone."
Winning Her Heart
- Get to know her. Getting to know her is about more than just memorizing her birthday and where she was born. Spend time with her, build trust, and come to appreciate the things about her that she doesn’t often show. Learn about her fear of water (and why she’s afraid) or learn about her most embarrassing moment (and help her laugh it off). Understand how she thinks and what she believes. This will help you love her as a complete person, and she will appreciate that more than you can understand.[31]
- One good way to start is by asking her an open-ended question. For example, social psychologist Arthur Aron has made headlines with his list of 36 questions to foster intimacy between people.They’re creative and open-ended, and they ask about more interesting things than her favorite movie.[32]
- For example, you could try asking “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” or “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”
- This will not only give you the chance to get to know her better, but it will also show her that you think she's smart and her opinions are worthwhile.
- Find out what she likes to do. Then do those things with her. Doing something that you know she likes has the added advantages that she feels comfortable and safe doing it. If she's comfortable when you're out on a date, she's more likely get close to you, hold your hand, or even kiss you.
- Whether she likes surfing, horseback riding, shopping, or baking, it's a good idea to try to involve her in what she likes doing best. Ask her friend what she enjoys doing in her free time, or ask her yourself if you're feeling brave. (Fortune favors you.) That way, she'll know that you've taken the time to find out what makes her tick, and that you're ready to go that extra mile to make sure she's happy.
- Take her out on great dates. Bonding over something she likes doesn't need to be a date, but if you want love to blossom, you're going to have to ask her on a date at some point. When you're ready to take that step, try someplace familiar like the movies, a coffee shop, or a dance. Maybe try taking her to an amusement park or a haunted house; studies suggest that excitement or a sense of danger on a date helps release a chemical in the brain that bonds the two people together.[33]
- Be strategic about whether you call it a "date." Generally, if you've already won the girl over, you want to make it clear that you're going on a date to make sure you're both on the same page. But if you haven't won the girl over yet, it's probably best to slow-play the courtship, and win her over as a friend before you move on to the romantic relationship. Sometimes, the girl will resist a romantic relationship if she's not sure about whether you're good friends.
- Be clear. You probably don’t want to ask her to be your girlfriend the first time you meet her, or even the first few times you go out on a date. However, at some point you will need to tip your hand and declare your interest in her as romantic. If you wait too long, you run the risk of her considering you only as a friend. Ambiguity isn’t your friend.
- You can also be clear when it comes to signalling your continuing interest. For example, if you had a great time, don’t end your conversation on a wishy-washy note. Say something like, “I had a wonderful time tonight. Would it be ok if I called you tomorrow?”
- Avoid selling yourself too hard in the beginning. Sometimes it’s tempting to tell a girl you’re into everything about yourself to show what a great catch you are, or how much you like her. This isn’t a great idea for two reasons:[34]
- First, it means you’re talking a lot about yourself, which means you are spending less time listening to her.
- Second, it means you may be talking about things too soon. The first few dates aren’t the time to trash your boss or talk about how much your ex sucked. This type of self-revelation can actually make you look bitter, indiscreet, or like you don’t have a good sense of personal boundaries.
- You don’t have to remain an international man of mystery, but start with your likes and dislikes and allow your conversations to grow organically. If she’s interested in you, she’ll ask you questions about yourself. Just be sure to keep a good balance between your sharing and hers.
- Give her space. This doesn't mean playing hard-to-get, but give the girl control over what happens next. Suffocating her and bullying her into a relationship will do the opposite of what you're hoping for. Show her you respect her life outside of you; when you give a girl room to breathe, she will often come to love you on her own terms.
- When you give her space, avoid being too distant. Keep calling her regularly and showing her that you're interested. If you're shy, don't give her too much space or she'll think you're not interested. You're going to have to come out of your shell a little bit if you want to get her attention.
- If you've just gone on a date with her, and everything has gone really well, tell her you'll call her before the weekend is up if it's Friday. Let her do her own thing on Saturday, and then give her a call on Sunday and tell her you had a really good time and you'd like to do something soon, perhaps next weekend. This would be a great time to ask her out to any parties or dances that are happening.
- Giving her space is all about showing her how confident you are. What you're basically saying is "I had a great time with you, and I like you, but I'm not going to come on super strong because I'm not desperate." Girls and guys are both attracted to people who are cool and calm, who don't jump the gun, and who aren't desperate.
Keeping Your Mind Open
- Don't judge her. Don't judge any girl that you develop feelings for. She is her own person, with her own qualities, just like you are. We all do things that drive other people crazy or seem odd. You have to decide whether these little oddities are things that you can live with or deal-breakers.
- If you decide you can live with whatever quirks she has, stick to that decision. Don’t try to change her. Don’t criticize or nitpick her for her quirks. Accept her as she is.[35]
- Her personality doesn't make her a bad person. Even if you decide that something is a deal-breaker, there’s no call to be mean to her about it.
- Avoid expecting her to change. In fact, if you can eliminate most of your “expectations” about her, you will probably be happier in your relationship.[36] We often expect unreasonable things from other people that can make us feel anxious and unhappy when we don’t get them.[37]
- Now, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have certain expectations or that you let yourself be mistreated. It’s perfectly okay to expect a person to show up when s/he says s/he will (unless something unavoidable happens), to treat you with kindness and respect, and to show compassion and kindness to others.
- However, if you expect your girl to read your mind about your needs, you will probably be disappointed because no one is a mind-reader.
- Furthermore, people’s personalities tend to be pretty set. If your girl always seems to be running late and you’ve talked to her about it bothering you but nothing’s changed, chances are this problem may not go away. You can decide that it’s too big for you to deal with, or you can decide to let her be her (late and all), but you can’t expect her to change.
- Open your eyes to the possibilities. Don't get too hung up on getting one particular girl to fall in love with you, and don't try to "force" love on a girl who just isn't feeling it! Desperation is never attractive.
- Get to know more girls and give love more opportunities to blossom. Go to school socials and functions. Don't be afraid to go to a different school's social if a friend invites you. You never know when you might meet that special someone who'll knock the wind out of your lungs.
- Sometimes, when you stop looking for love, it hits you right in the face. The universe works in weird ways. Especially if you've tried really hard recently, or you think you've just run out of energy, don't be afraid to pull back from the fray. It sounds counter-intuitive, and it's frustrating to do, but it works: when you stop trying, girls tend to find you.
- Be adventurous for her. Maybe the girls you know all have boyfriends, or maybe you aren’t interested in your friends. Plenty of guys these days are finding love outside of their immediate circles. If you're old enough, try internet dating. If you're interested in extracurriculars, get involved on a wider basis so that you could potentially travel. When looking for that girl of your dreams, it helps to keep an open mind and try as many different adventures as life throws at you.
Treating Her as an Equal
- Respect her thoughts, feelings and emotions. Try to see things from her point of view. Show her you appreciate her opinions, even if you disagree with them.[38]
- It helps to ask her about these things, rather than making assumptions. When she talks to you about her thoughts or feelings, listen.
- If you’re having trouble seeing things from her point of view, use “I”-statements to ask her to explain: “I really want to understand where you’re coming from, but I’m just not getting it. Could you explain what you’re feeling right now?”
- Be honest and genuine with yourself and with her, always. Honesty builds trust, but once the trust is broken, it never returns. From that moment on, your words will be suspect. Be yourself, and be honest.[39][40][41]
- Show genuine intentions. Be honest and open about your plans, wants and desires. If she is not OK with these, you have, at least, established a starting point which can then be adjusted in order that you come to know each other more closely.
- There’s a difference between being open and honest and being manipulated. For example, you don’t have to show someone your texts or emails to “prove” that you’re trustworthy. You don’t have to report on where you are at every minute of every day. This is intrusive behavior that doesn’t belong in healthy relationships.[42]
- Be willing to listen and communicate. The most important aspect is to learn to listen patiently and actively.[43] The understanding that you gain will help to communicate in a caring and helpful way In a healthy relationship, both people feel acknowledged and respected.[44]
- Listen to what she says. Don’t work out what you’re going to say in response while she’s still talking. Ask her to clarify anything you don’t understand by saying something like, “I’m not sure I understood you correctly. I heard _____. Is that what you meant?” These kinds of clarifications will also help prevent misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
- Avoid passive aggression. Passive aggression happens when your girlfriend asks you if something’s wrong and you say, “No, why would anything be wrong?” when you’re actually really upset. It’s a way express anger or hurt without confronting it directly, and it can destroy relationship communication.[45] Talk about your feelings openly and honestly, but stay respectful.
- Use “I”-statements, such as “I feel hurt that you didn’t call me on Tuesday when you said you would,” rather than “You forgot to call me and you hurt my feelings.” “You”-statements can make people feel defensive and shut down.
- Communication isn’t a one-way street. You should also feel like she listens to you and acknowledges your needs, too.
- Accept her individuality. Work to understand what make her unique. Actively celebrate her uniqueness and work to promote and enable her to pursue and develop the core activities which bring her happiness and satisfaction.[46]
- It’s great if you can find something you both love doing to pursue together. Occasionally, one or the other of you will have to compromise. For example, you may want to see an action movie while she wants to see the latest Pixar (or vice versa). Take turns giving the other person space to pursue what makes them happy.
- Help her achieve her dreams. Much like giving her space, you should help her do the things that she wants to do for herself. This will usually mean letting her spend time working on the things that she wants to work on, like school or a skill, or doing those things with her. When she sees that you are someone who supports her in the things she wants for her life, she’ll know that you’re exactly what she needs.[47]
- Show dedication and commitment. Be there for her always, as a friend and a confidant. Forgive her weaknesses quickly and work to fortify the best in her. Similarly, be open to her making you into the best person you can be. Committed love is a partnership, where you both bring out the best in each other. Hold yourself to that standard, as you get her to fall for you and beyond.
Test Your Knowledge
Tips
- Be funny and humorous, but not at the expense of another person.
- Be careful not to jump the gun. If you push her into it too quickly, she might get the wrong impression.
- You may really want someone to fall in love with you, but make sure that you use your head as well as your heart. Love is only the starting point of a healthy relationship. The rest depends on communication, compatibility and commitment.
- Do what she loves to do!
- Make her feel special then she will know that you really do appreciate her.
- Don't text her for the sake of texting. Make sure to have a motive. Instead of "Hey what's up?" Text "Hey! We should get froyo, lunch, play a video game etc together!" You won't get much of a relationship from texting.
- Take your time to get closer to her and show interest in her interests. For example, take the time to read her favourite book or play her favourite music.
- Hang out with her friends and your friends.
- Show her that she can count on you when necessary, and always be able to give advice.
- Keep in mind that you have to ask her questions and get answers from her. Make her feel engaged towards you. Tell her interesting things.
- Keep the smile and the eye contact during a conversation.
- Don't force her to do what you want; be open minded.
- ● Always be on her side.
Warnings
- Remember that you are either attracted to someone or not, if she has no feelings towards you you should never press the issue.
Related wikiHows
- How to Maintain Romance
- How to Sweep a Girl off Her Feet
- How to Write a Love Poem
- How to Ask a Girl Out
- How to Get Your Girl Friend to Love You More
- How to Get the Girl You Want
Sources and Citations
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